rhionnach | Recent Entries

I'm getting ready to go off to Largs again for the Viking Festival and the Party at the Pencil. I had been planning to go last night but due to a bit of a cold I decided 2 nights of camping was possibly not advisable.

I came down with a cold at the start of the week but hadn't realised just how spaced out I was with it until I went to the Equinox Moot on Thursday night. I did little but sit there and feel rather out of it. So I decided (wimp that I am) that I would camp at Kelburn for one night tonight. This is the best option given that after the battle, boat-burning, and fireworks the Vikings will be having a private party at Kelburn Castle.

I'm going down on the train and I will not be looking at my parents' house as the train goes through Saltcoats. Things are still painfully up in the air. Additionally, I can't help but remember that on this weekend last year I went from there to Largs. I took the car, the last time that I was allowed to do so, before the Evil Bitch got her claws fully into my mother.

and yet it had me in a fluster. It was from my lawyers. I am still waiting for the legal aid decision and when I saw the thin little letter on my doormat I was worried. But it was just a request for yet another copy of a bank statement as the legal aid people have been unable to read the faxed copy due to lines etc on it.

The situation over my mother's will continues. I'm trying to put it to one side and get on with life as best I can. I try not to think about it as it upsets me greatly and I begin to go into a downwards spiral over the whole thing. My latest train of thought is that I wonder just what was going through my mother's mind. All my life I have always been second best, never good enough compared to just about anyone else, but I had thought that we had got over a lot of that and now it seems as though perhaps it never went away. But I mustn't allow myself to go down that route.

It's all so difficult and upsetting.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Or in some cases, those who remember the past are determined to hang onto it and not let go.

Many years ago I made the grave error (as I subsequently discovered) of thinking it was a good idea to volunteer my services for an organisation I was then a member of. Instead of doing what most organisations do when faced with volunteers and jumping on my offer this one had a committee meeting or series of phone calls or something like that, spoke to faceless people who have never been identified, and then decided on their say so that I was too abrasive to be of any use to them. They refused to cite examples and events of when I was supposedly so abrasive so that I had no way to defend these accusations. I still have no clear idea of who it was who condemned me and no idea of what I actually did. I am no longer a member of that organisation, something which annoys me as it was one which I would have (and did) support.

I rather suspect that my condemnation was tied up in some way with other things that were going on at the time in connection with other individuals. That, and the fact that this organisation, while claiming to encourage people to volunteer, seems to have a policy of not accepting anyone who does actually do so.

In any case, fast forward to the present day and I was beginning to think that we had ironed out some of the difficulties. I thought that people were getting to know me and to realise that I am not the nasty character that they seem to have decided I was. I thought we were making progress. But events last night have shown that certain people appear to have never revised their judgement. Anything and everything I do or say is interpreted via the perception that I am "abrasive". If I express my opinion then that is taken as a personal attack and yet another point is stacked up against me.

Given last night's discussion it would seem that the modus operandi of the person concerned is to make personal attacks on me while masquerading as taking part in a discussion on something else. So who's the abrasive one now I wonder?

I am tired and I am depressed. One is feeding off the other but I am hard pressed to say which way round it goes. I was OK yesterday, in fact I was making plans and trying to look after myself. Perhaps I'm just dehydrated or something.

Early bed tonight. Perhaps things will look better tomorrow.

I was at the Edinburgh Tattoo last night. It's an event which happens every year but I'd never managed to see it before. However, my work organised a trip for us all through to Edinburgh, taking us first to Ghillie Dhu for drinks and food before going to the Castle esplanade for the Tattoo. All this after an earlier trip to the Olympic football at Hampden for those who wanted to go. It was a very good day, all in all.

I do have to say that the Tattoo has the poshest portaloos I've ever seen! They even had lights! :-)

As I write this I know I no longer have access to my parent's house anymore. The Evil Bitch has broken in with the help of a locksmith and that is that. Now all that remains is for me to hope that I am granted Legal Aid with which to fight my case. My application is in but you never can tell with these things as to how it will go. If I don't get Legal Aid I will not be able to challenge the will any further as it has to go to the Court of Session in Edinburgh. I would have to settle for my minimum entitlement as the only child which is half the movable estate. This would mean that the Evil Bitch gets away with the house and the other half of the movable estate.

I had a call before lunchtime from one of my mother's neighbours who told me that the Evil Bitch was at the house with a locksmith. This was something she had been threatening to do, along with reporting the car as stolen, which is what she did on Monday. I had a call from the police about the car situation but they seem to be satisfied that it's not a simple case of me making off with it but is part of a bigger issue over the will.

I've managed to retrieve the majority of the photos from the house, although I know there are some I simply cannot find and which I would dearly love to find as they are of my grandparents on my mother's side and my uncle. It's the memories and personal things that are important, these are the things you would want to rescue in a fire. But it's the downright unfairness of it all, the sneaky way she went behind my back and persuaded my mother to change her will in her favour. Everyone who knew my mother has said that she wouldn't do this to me, that the Evil Bitch has persuaded her to do this. I think I know it too, but sometimes it all gets too much and I wonder how and why my mother thought to do this to me. Was I really so bad to her?

If my sister had still been alive then the house would have had to be sold in her favour in order to allow her to live in supported accommodation as she was autistic. But that would be OK, she was my sister and not some random greedy stranger who wheedled her way into my mother's trust (and mine).

Now all that is left to me is the fight. I know I could come out of this really badly as I am reliant on getting the Legal Aid otherwise I'm buggered. I am mulling over a suggestion put to me about setting up a Paypal account for fighting fund donations. I have a Paypal account anyway but I'm not sure if this is a good thing to do or not. I'm really very unsure.

Further to my earlier entry about sleeping in and not being organised, I stayed up late (for me) watching "The Hunt For Red October" and so didn't get to bed until 11.30. I then had the kind of sleep you have when you are not tired enough to sleep or too tired to sleep. I know I did sleep as I dreamed about Starfleet handing out lirpas in order to go hunt down a starship!

So I'm up now as I must go to the gym before work. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep as I'd only feel worse. Besides which my phone alarms go off every 15 minutes with an assortment of sounds which alert me as to where and what I need to be doing. A good session in the gym will waken me up. I hope it will keep me going throughout the day although I know I'm likely to have an afternoon slump.

Bedtime tonight will be no later than 10.00pm.

I really need to get some order back into my Sundays. It's simply not good enough to not have an alarm set and not good enough to turn over and try for more sleep. I will have to be more disciplined, plan things out and be on my case.

This is the first Sunday for a few weeks where I have not had some specific activity planned and it shows. Now that I can I must make better use my time. Is that not what I have been complaining about all the time I would go down to see my mother at Saltcoats? And now that I have the time I feel at a loose end. Perhaps it's simply that I need to readjust to what I did before my father died. I've been through quite a traumatic time, I suppose, and I'm still going through it as I have the whole situation with the will and the Evil Bitch to contend with.

I faffed about this morning until I realized the reason I was faffing about was to put off having to go down to Saltcoats. I wanted to check that all was well there as it's been 3 weeks since I was last in the house. I know that there's not likely to be much requiring done but I need to keep an eye on it. (What was worrying me was the possibility that the Evil Bitch had broken in but she hadn't.)

So I eventually gave myself a severe talking to and got my arse in gear to go there. And yet, I still found myself faffing about in the city centre, looking in shops that I didn't need to look in. I eventually got into Central station just in time to see the direct train leave the station which meant I would need to go to Kilwinning and get a bus from there. And did I not then manage to miss two buses which would have taken me to Saltcoats once I arrived at Kilwinning?

I eventually got a bus. I nipped upstairs, the better to keep a wary eye out in case the Evil Irene got on the bus at any stop. If ever I bump into her she can be guaranteed to create a scene, I have no doubt. However, all was well when I got to the house. In fact, the Bizzy Lizzie plant was looking quite wonderful with many flowers on it. Pity no one's there to appreciate it, though.

I picked up mail, checked around the house to make sure it was OK, and managed to find a few more family photos. I had the TV on for background noise. It was oddly comforting to be going around the house with the sound of the Open Golf Championship coverage burbling along in the background, as if all I had to do was walk into the living room and my father would be watching it, with my mother knitting or reading, and my sister sitting with her collection of stones and soft toys. But that's a scene which will never be, ever again.

I'm back now. I'm eating some Thai green curry and wondering what to do for the rest of the evening. I must get my Sundays organised - time to fit a long Sunday run back into the training schedule, for one thing. And keep myself occupied and not self-pitying. I'm not doing too badly, but I have my moments.

I am extremely displeased with Vision Express. I get my contact lenses from them, picking up a new pack of lenses and solutions every three months. I prefer to pick them up from the shop as opposed to them posting them out as I am never in when the postman comes and it's a faff to go out of my way to the sorting office. A couple of times they have accidentally posted them out from the shop but they have apologised when I have spoken to them about this.

They now appear to have centralised the dispatch of the packages as, when I called the local shop to inquire when my next ones were due, they told me that I was down for postal delivery. I was a bit annoyed about that as I had told them last time around not to post them but it seems head office has other ideas. They said they would change it but they weren't too sure if it wouldn't come out by post.

As I have mentioned on here, I am in the middle of a legal issue over my mother's will and the evil cow who persuaded her to change it in her favour, so when I came home on Thursday night to a postcard informing me that a courier company had tried to deliver something that required a signature I assumed it was something to do with that particular soap opera. It caused me to worry about it, to the point I woke up in the middle of the night wondering what it was. I tried my best to put it out of my mind over the weekend (which I managed thanks to

the_changeling who had very kindly invited me down to her home for a break) but I woke up this morning knowing I had to face it today. And as this company only delivered between 9 and 5 I had to get it delivered to my work address.

Imagine my anger when I discovered it was my contact lens package! The very package I have repeatedly told them not to post to me! It was bad enough that they would send it via Royal Mail and I would have to go to the sorting office but what were they thinking about when they sent it via a secure delivery company?

I will be having words. And not only that, I will be having a look at other companies.

I was in the shower today at the gym when they had a fire alarm. I had thought I could hear something over the sound of the water but it wasn't until someone came in and shouted to us that we needed to get out that I realised it was in fact an alarm. Luckily I had just rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. I also decided that, as I could not smell any smoke, nor had the lights gone off, that I was going to put on some clothes. I was definitely not going out to the street in my towel and flip flops!

I'm a fire warden at work and have been on several training courses so I knew the plan was that you're supposed to go out by the nearest exit. But no one seemed to have done that. Everyone appeared to have gone out the front door. Not only that, but the pods where you put in your pin on entry and exit were still in use. I was puzzled by that as I assumed that the pods would automatically open up to allow people out when the fire alarm went. This made me more convinced it was a test. A very annoying test, given that I had been in the shower.

I don't want to keep posting sad posts on here. My mother is dead and life goes on. I've got a ridiculous struggle to deal with over the will and the evil cow that persuaded my mother to change her will. The short update is that I will have to apply for legal aid as it will have to go to the Court of Session in Edinburgh. If I don't get legal aid then I have no way of being able to afford to challenge it and the evil cow/ratbag/bastard/(insert insult of your choice here) will get away with the house and half the moveable estate. I don't want to dwell on it as it is very upsetting and I don't want to be awakened at 3.00 am with my brain going into meltdown over it.

Today I spoke to BT and made arrangements to have the phone line switched off. I did this because I picked up a bill yesterday when I was in the house. At present the evil cow/ratbag/bastard/(insert insult of your choice here) has not yet followed through with her threat to break into the house so the bill was behind the door.

It was a very odd and sad experience for me as I remembered when the phone line was installed in the early 70s. I remember how my parents discussed the pros and cons of getting a phone and I remember the brochures from BT with the selection of colours you were allowed to have. (Actually, was it BT back then? Or was it the Post Office?) They decided on what was described as two-tone grey but which was actually brown. It was a dial phone and that was that. No answermachines or anything fancy then.

The phone was installed one morning and I came home from school for lunch to discover it sitting in the hallway. My mother called my father's office and left a message asking him to call the number on the dial.

They had the same phone number all that time. The only changes being when BT made changes to the area codes. And today I set the process in motion to have the number taken out of service.

*edited 14/08/12 I've found out that the line was installed on the 24th Nov 1971.

Four years ago I was a member of a family consisting of my parents, my sister, and myself. Four years ago on July 1 st my sister died suddenly.

Three years ago I was a member of a family consisting of my parents and myself. Then my father died on December 22 nd 2009.

Two years ago I was a member of a family consisting of my mother and myself. Then my mother died on May 10 th 2012.

Now as July 1 st rolls around again I am myself.

Friday came along and I ended up having a few beers in the Langside.

Saturday was the Midsummer ritual. The weather cleared up, the sun came out and it wasn't too bad at all. Later on I went to see "Abraham Lincoln -Vampire Hunter". It really wasn't worth it. It's played seriously but I was expecting some silliness. It looked good but that's about all.

Sunday I did some laundry and some housework before going to listen to jazz in the afternoon. I also discovered espresso martinis are very nice.

The situation with my mother's will and issues surrounding the thieving cow who persuaded her to change her will in her favour is something which will not change rapidly. Much as I appreciate people asking me how it's going, it's upsetting, and I really want to get on with life while dealing with this shitty situation. So please, can I ask that you don't keep asking me as it can stir up my anxiety. It leaves me mulling things over, waking me up in the middle of the night, and I really do not need that. I have to keep my body and soul and my job together.

I don't know why I wasted my time today arguing online with an ignorant Neo-Nazi. Some people are beyond belief and beyond wasting anymore time on.

The problem is that they are involved with Viking and Heathen stuff and I really object to that as some might try to tar us all with the same brush. The only way to deal with them is to continue to be on their case but their determination to uncover Jewish involvement in all sorts of things is ridiculous.

For example, the Bolsheviks were Jewish, as were all of the leaders of the Red Army, that all of the African slave ships were not owned by the "Dutch" and that the opium trade in Asia was not "British". There is simply no possibility of any sensible discussion with them. They are at best an embarrassment and at worst evil people who see the Holocaust as a good thing - if it existed, as according to their ideas it never happened!

Oh yes, and they claim that Anne Frank wrote in ball point pen, as if to say her diaries were faked! It's laughable but worrying.

I still seem to be adjusting to things. I guess it will take a while for me to stop thinking I can't do x, y or z because I have to go to Saltcoats. I am now free to plan my weekends as I wish.

I know I used to complain about having to put up with "Casualty" on a Saturday night but I chose to spend time with my mother because I knew she needed someone to be there. If things had gone as hoped she would only have been in hospital a shortish time and the home support put in place by social work would have helped her live at home. And perhaps we would have been better able to wean her off the reliance on the evil bitch "carer" that interfered far beyond what was her (paid, cash in hand (does the taxman/benefits dept know?)) role. Now I have a legal battle to sort things out that this woman buggered up. But sorted she will be.

Anyway, looking forwards, I can now go to various events that might have been off my list before. I did limit what I could do as I wanted to spend time in Saltcoats and knew I couldn't just go off and do whatever took my fancy, even if the few things I did do still led to arguments. I do wonder now, just how much Evil Bitch Carer was behind those.

I suppose I really ought to be doing something other than faffing about in front of my computer. I'm feeling quite lazy. I really ought to be doing something as I have stuff that needs dealing with in the flat. I will be going to the cinema later on and I suppose I do have an extra day this weekend to do the boring stuff.

It's sunny outside so a walk in the park would be a good idea. I also need to get some more coffee as I'm nearly out of it. I guess I'm still adjusting to not having to go to Saltcoats every weekend. There's stuff to be dealt with there as well, but nothing that can be done today without the involvement of the lawyers. At least that evil bitch didn't show up at the interment.

Oh well, a walk in the sun sounds good.

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Rhionnach's Ramblings

Not making a drama out of stickyback plastic and loo roll tubes

Going a-Viking

Just a thin little envelope

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

(no subject)

Life on Mars?

(no subject)

Edinburgh Tattoo

(no subject)

Sleep

Formless Sunday

Visual disturbances

Fire and water

Taken out of service.

July 1st

What I did at the weekend

I know you mean well but

Argh!

Venus in Transit

Forward planning

Procrastination

Profile

May 2017

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