Rhionnach's Ramblings

I'm at home recovering from having my radius bone broken in my right arm and my C2 vertebra broken in a car crash in which I had to have the roof cut off the car in order to extract me. I have been very lucky that the C2 break turned out to be stable and didn't require surgery.

I'm (impatiently) waiting for the days to go past so that I can get the neck collar off and the plaster off my arm so that I get begin to return to normality. I'm unable to go out without someone making sure I can get down the stairs safely due to the fact I cannot look down. The bannister is also on my right hand side so I am unable to grasp it to get down unsupervised. I am looking forward to freedom!

Here's the thing. All my life I have had a fear of immobility, of being held down and not able to move. I have no idea where it came from but it even shows in my dislike of tight clothing and of being held too strongly and especially of being tucked into a bed with very taut covers. If I am in a hotel which does just that then all sheets have to get pulled out before I can go to sleep.

When I worked for a disabled charity I came face to face with people who had experienced first hand suddenly being made immobile through spinal injuries. I heard their stories and I found them scary. Some of them were very active sportspeople, others had simply tripped over the cat, but all had sudden life changing injuries. I knew that their situation was my fear and I hoped it would not happen to me.

So how did I feel when I was told I had fractured my C2 vertebra? The hospital did not immediately discuss the possibilities with me, possibly thinking I didn't know what the implications were, but I did know. The fact that my reflexes all checked out was a good sign. I swallowed my fear and faced up to dealing with the situation at hand. After x-rays, MRI and CT scans and much discussion among the doctors it was decided my break was stable.

I have been extremely lucky. I cannot begin to emphasise how lucky I have been. Of all the injuries to get, it would have to be the one which played on my deepest fear.

Today was one of those days which didn't quite work out as planned. Due to not getting where I should have been at the time I should have been there at I found myself with time on my hands. So I went off to Currys to look at washing machines and then, as I was in the white goods section and I have a somewhat misbehaving fridge, I ended up looking at fridges as well.

It was while I was looking at some fridge freezers that I was approached by a strange woman I had spotted earlier and who had drawn my attention as she was talking to herself. She wore a light brown cardigan and had very thin, very messy hair.

She spotted me looking at the fridge freezer and began by saying "Oh they're all in here buying fridges today". That would probably be because we were in that particular section of Currys, but I didn't point that out. Then she started asking me if I was buying a new fridge, I said I was looking at them. So she then asked me if my fridge had broken down and went on to try to ask why I was buying a new one, was it just because I wanted a new one? I didn't really feel the need to explain or even justify why I was doing what I was doing to some random stranger so I just ignored her and walked off. I later saw her sitting on a chair she had found somewhere and which she had placed in the middle of the aisle.

Of course, earlier on I had managed to set off an alarm when I was looking at a Kindle paperwhite. I stood there waiting to explain to the member of staff I expected would arrive shortly that I had simply touched the damn thing but everyone ignored the alarm. I ended up shuffling off rather sheepishly and it was after that I met Fridge Freezer Woman.

Recently a new networking group for Pagans in Scotland was set up. I thought this was interesting and decided to join their Facebook group to see what they were about. As I'm one of the admins of the Glasgow Pagans Facebook group and was a member of the Equinox Moot committee until I stood down recently I welcomed the idea of a new network open to all Pagans. I thought that they would be interested in hearing about the other groups and activities that were going on and that they could incorporate this information into the network. After all, their own website states "Whichever path you follow, we value your membership, input and ideas."

Unfortunately I made the grave error of thinking they would be interested in hearing about the Alba Pagan Network which recently held its first group meeting and also the Equinox moot in Glasgow. I thought it odd when the first post I made about the Alba Pagan Network disappeared but put it down to a glitch. So I posted it again. It disappeared again.

I messaged them about the missing posts and they claimed that no posts had been removed and then that there had been an IT problem. They said they were getting in touch with their IT support (on Facebook?).

So I tried a third time. That was then held for approval as the admins had suddenly decided that all posts had to be approved by an admin before being allowed on the group. They eventually came back and asked if I could tell them more about the Alba group as they had not been contacted by them. I did wonder at that as all they had to do was look at the link I had posted and the explanation of what the group was about would have been clear. I told them I was merely passing on information about other groups. I had also posted about the Equinox moot but that post was also held up for approval.

I asked them if there was a problem. I asked them why they had removed the posts and then denied all knowledge of them. I asked them why they were being suspicious. In reply, they claimed there was no "problem", they were looking into it and they would get back to me. In the end my posts were not posted. When I asked if posts were still required to be approved by an admin in a thread which mentioned the "lack of censorship" on the group the group suddenly disappeared.

I asked the two admins where the group went and if there was a problem. Their response seems to have been to block me.

So we seem to have a networking group which doesn't seem to want to actually network with anyone. Very weird.

This is something I've been having problems with admitting for many years now. I think everyone at some point has heard me complain about the the amount of stuff lying around in boxes etc that DC left behind and how it's really getting in my way.

Well, time to come clean (as it were).

It's been getting me down for years. I had just begun to get the flat in some sort of order when the van load (and I mean a BIG van) of stuff was brought up from down south. I had offered to go get it for him but I really didn't anticipate just how much there was. I also had expected that he would sort it out once he got it, having heard him go on for years about how he missed his stuff and how he was so concerned about it. I didn't expect him to simply leave it all piled up around the flat with useful things like my papasan chair being shoved into a cupboard and boxes piled up outside. As far as I am aware he never looked into any of it and seemed happy just to have it sitting there. I had to work around it and as I was the only one earning money I had to work just to keep us going. I had rather hoped he would do housework but, apart from cooking a few meals every now and then, he didn't. He did however lecture me on what I ought to be doing but with everything that was going on I found myself exhausted mentally and physically and unable to deal with it.

And he would break things. Like the washing machine, for example. Or the three chairs he managed to demolish because he is a lazy fat bucket of lard. The washing machine broke because it was needing a new motor and I was going to get that seen to but it stopped mid-cycle and instead of waiting for me to come home to fix it he broke open the door to get the stuff out! So it was trips to the laundrette from then on. That was my job, along with everything else of course.

Yes, it was an abusive relationship, not necessarily violent, but emotionally and financially abusive.

Then of course there was the whole circus of his leaving. I had only just begun to recover from that when my father died and the whole scenario with my mother kicked off. Ironically, that very Xmas when my father died had been the time I had decided I was going to get stuck into the stuff and get it sorted. So it didn't happen. And all the time I was going up and down to Saltcoats I never had time to sort my own place out.

It's only lately that I've felt able to begin to get stuck into it. I've made some inroads but it's exhausting and upsetting and I keep raging at myself for allowing the place to get into such a state. And I'm ashamed and I feel guilty. If I could just get on top of it I could make the flat my own place (as it should be) but it's soul destroying and very tough at times.

People hear me talk about the stuff and say things like "Oh just bin it!" or "Take it to the dump". But they don't realise, for example, that in trying to move a box of books it ripped and all the stuff fell out. Or that I might decided to see what's in a box only to find it contains medical-related rubbish such as tongue depressors or tourniquet bands! Or even, on two occasions, medical records!!! And initially I felt that some day I would work out how to get his stuff back to him as he had made such a song and dance about getting it in the first place. But clearly, as he has not made contact in over 5 years, it's all so much hot air. I know he has at least 2 rooms of similar stuff lying about in what was his parents house. He's a hoarder, he doesn't actually look into what he's keeping , he just needs to know it's there. Well, I don't need it in my place anymore!

And now the time has come when I have to admit I need some help. I am fed up of it all and I just want to bin it. But, like I said, it was a big van full of stuff and there's only me. I need to get my place sorted out so I can do the repairs that are needed, so that I can get my central heating sorted out etc. I've not been able to get anyone in to do stuff like that because there's too much crap in the way.

If anyone can help me I would be grateful. Potia and her partner are coming over tomorrow to lend a hand. They have a car so stuff can be removed. It's going to be a great help to me. I don't know how much we can do but it's a start.

I went to Saltcoats today. I hired a car via City Car Club (http://www.citycarclub.co.uk/) as that would enable me to go there and back again via Asda for some shopping and still give me time to do other stuff. It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's death and therefore I wanted to go down to the cemetery with flowers. I also wanted to see the house once more, although I wasn't sure if this was a good idea or not.

I left Glasgow with the main aim being visiting the cemetery but I had been thinking about seeing how I would cope with seeing the former family home, especially given all the shit I have had to deal with. To recap, said shit being that a "carer" persuaded my mother to change her will, cutting me out of it, and leaving it all to said "carer" or Evil Bitch as I prefer to call her. The Evil Bitch didn't get it all her own way, money was left to 2 charities and after trying to get Legal Aid to challenge the will I claimed my rights under Scottish law. Evil Bitch got a big bill and zero else.

I was in two minds about going to the house, but I soon found myself on the way there. I parked across the road. The house looked much the same as it did, although it's now rented out apparently, after having been sold at auction. (Evil Bitch didn't get the house, although I think that was part of her plans) My plan was to walk about, go along the cycle path behind the house and take a look at the sycamore in the garden. I spent long hours as a child climbing up into this tree and sitting among its branches. It was a pirate ship, a space ship, a refuge, a place just to be.

However, the first person I saw when I got out of the car was the next door neighbour. I hadn't seen her since not long after the funeral at which the Evil Bitch had shouted at me in the street, calling me names after she had discovered I had changed the locks and didn't want her accompanying me in the funeral car. Once the Evil Bitch regained access to the house I didn't go near anymore. So I was able to tell her what had happened with me. She told me how the Evil Bitch and her son would come down to the house after 9.00 am when they thought no one would be about to see them loading their car up with stuff from the house. This stuff was supposedly going to "charity" but both of us severely doubt it and that the only charity to benefit was the Evil Bitch charity.

This was stuff that belonged to my family, to my parents, my sister, my grandparents and the Evil Bitch made off with it. If I had thought that things would go the way they did I could have loaded up my parents big suitcases and taken stuff away myself. But I was trying to be honest and thought that I ought to leave things in place until the legal stuff was sorted. I also naively thought that the Evil Bitch wasn't such an Evil Bitch that she wouldn't give me the opportunity to get personal items. So it's just as well that I did rescue as many photographs as I could find and that I did take some small things with me. But everything else has gone.

After talking to the neighbour I went along the cycle path and managed to see the sycamore and the bluebells around the base. I walked about a bit and then returned to the car, went into central Saltcoats for a wander and then went into Stevenston. I went to the charity shop the Evil Bitch had some involvement with just to see if there was anything there I would recognise. What I would do if I bumped into the Evil Bitch I wasn't sure. However, I saw nothing and there were no unfortunate incidents.

I then went on to the cemetery and eventually returned home. I'm glad I plucked up the courage to go back to the house, I'm glad I bumped into the neighbour. Now that I've got over this difficulty it means I can go back to Saltcoats again. I last walked on the beach on the day I had my last conversation with my mother, before she slipped into that liminal place between life and death. Perhaps I'll be able to walk on the beach once more.

I'm doing a 5k today for the Stroke Association today. I'm doing it to raise money for them but I'm also doing it to lay some ghosts. Three years ago I took part in the 5k, a few months after my father died as a result of a stroke and before I realised how needy my mother actually was.

I'm sitting at breakfast in front of the laptop, typing this, just as I was three years ago. A lot has happened in those three years. Someday I will write it all up as I need to do so. But right now I'm still in the middle of processing those events. I think I'm beginning to come out the other side.

Three years ago, during breakfast, I got a call to say that my mother had fallen in the house. I was in Glasgow, committed to taking part in the event, and without my parents' car which would have made it easier for me to return to Saltcoats. On hindsight, maybe I should have dropped everything and gone straight back down. But I felt obliged to take part as people were sponsoring me and I would have felt guilty otherwise. I did feel guilty about taking part but I was in a no win situation , no matter what I did.

Three years on, I'm doing the 5k again. I'm going forward.

This image caused a bit of a stooshie to break out in a group I am member of. No one thought anything more of it other than what was evident from the image, it's a joke about the fact that Spring needs to hurry up and get here. No one, that is, bar one, who took a completely out of the blue stance accusing the OP of “promoting rape culture” and refusing to listen to any statements to the contrary. Not only that, but they stormed off this particular group and began ranting on another one that they admin, claiming they had thrown people off that group who supported this image and generally throwing a wobbly.

This post isn't about the pros and cons of the image. It was a funny image, one of many hundreds that appear on Facebook on a daily basis. Promoting rape culture was the last thing anyone thought about. This post is about the behaviour of that certain person and how unacceptable I find it.

Back in 2012 I wrote http://rhionnach.livejournal.com/371227.html after a particular discussion on a group. This person decided that my disagreeing with them was a “personal attack” on them and nothing anyone said to them would persuade them otherwise. I have to state here that I was NOT attacking them, personally or otherwise, but that person took it into their head that I was.

She was approached by several people to try to sort the whole situation out. I wanted to let her know I was not attacking her and I wanted to sort things out. But she would not listen to anyone. As she had blocked me on Facebook this led to problems as she was still a member of the group I admin and was still saying things on it. Eventually, after much discussion on the part of others she climbed down sufficiently to unblock me as long as I unposted the above LJ post. So I marked it as “private” so that only I could see it.

A silence descended between us. She would occasionally make comments on discussion threads and I would occasionally respond but on the whole we avoided each other. We had occasions to be at events where we would say nothing to each other. That was fine. Saying nothing at all cannot lead to issues. When I had the opportunity to go on a camping weekend with a particular group I was in two minds about going as it would mean spending an entire weekend in the presence of this person. I decided against going as I really couldn't be arsed with her. I'd only end up with a headache and it would not have been a fun weekend.

However, moving forward to the stooshie over the image above. I was astonished at her behaviour, at the comments made, and at her parting shot as she stormed off the group. If she had legitimate concerns then presenting those concerns in a group-up, adult manner would probably have meant she was listened to and the whole subject could have been discussed. But that is not her way.

This is not the first time she's done this sort of thing. There seems to be a pattern of behaviour where, if you do not toe the line (her line, that is) she will go off on one. We've all seen this sort of thing happen with a lot of people, especially online, where things can so quickly and easily get out of hand. However, my particular objection to her behaviour is that this person is a fairly high up member of an organisation which represents a particular set of beliefs. This person is the person that is asked to comment on areas concerning those beliefs. This person is seen as representing us all, whether we are members of the organisation or not. This person cannot simply go off on one if someone holds a different opinion to the one she holds.

I've got to the point now where I really do not give a damn about upsetting this person. Nothing I do will be right, so why bother? Back in 2012 I was quite horrified at her claims of personal attacks and I did try to sort things out - to no avail. But now, I really do not care. I am fed up of her behaviour. I am shocked that someone holding the position she holds is allowed to get away with this. I think we've all tolerated it for too long. However, it will be up to each person individually to decided if they've had enough of her behaviour and if they want to do anything about it.

I am getting more than a bit annoyed with Loncon 3.

I filled out an installment plan form at Eastercon in Bradford last year. I have made 2 payments on it. I have asked several times to be told what the outstanding balance is. Additionally, they appear to have "lost" my paperwork, according to an email I received.

I want to just pay it all up and get it sorted but I am not getting a reply from anyone!

I really want to go to Loncon so I would really appreciate it if they could please sort it out.

I hope 2014 is a good one for everyone.

What a strange series of dreams I had last night. First of all I dreamt that a guy was bringing his wife or girlfriend to a house he shared with several other guys. One of these guys was trying to hide an elephant in the garage and the wife kept wondering why the house was shaking. Then she went into the kitchen and discovered that they didn't actually cook, just kept a drawer full of ready made sandwiches.

Then my dream changed to one in which I was in a 3 bedroom house and had to go to work wearing Viking clothing. I had to nip back upstairs to get something from the main bedroom but, as the stairs didn't quite reach the top,the only way to do this was to climb up onto a shelf above the stairs and swing across onto the landing. I was supposed to carefully go past the 2nd bedroom as dummies had been placed in the beds to deter burglars. However, i went into this bedroom only to discover that the dummies were lying in different positions from the ones they ought to have been in. I went back downstairs to report this and then went back up to find that the dummies were up. They appeared to have been possessed so the only way to deal with this was to attack them with something big and heavy and break them into bits, much to the annoyance of the householder.

Then I dreamed I was going to a convention in Leicester. I was with friends who knew where they were going but I got separated from them when I tried to take a photo on my new (and very large) camera phone. Someone kept getting in the way so it took longer to take the photo. I tried to find my friends but as it was a new phone I didn't seem to have any of their numbers. Typing the location into the map app didn't help as it kept suggesting other places.