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Still doing the Limbo
I'm still living in limbo, waiting to see what is going to happen with the application for legal aid to challenge the whole will situation. I've not heard anything from the evil bitch that is behind this whole pile of shit that I'm having to deal with. I worry over when the word will come - yea or nay. My anxiety levels are raised to the extent that I have on occasion jumped on sighting a woman bearing a resemblance to her. I don't know why I'm reacting like this, I'm not the one in the wrong. I'm not the greedy money-grabbing bitch who talked my mother into changing her will. I'm the one who has been cheated by this scheming bitch.
I've not just been cheated (so far) of my inheritance, I've been cheated of the last year of my mother's life. My memories of my mother are forever tainted by thoughts wondering if she really didn't like me, if she really did mean to cut me out of the will, of wondering what she really thought of me. Others (family members and the like) have said to me that this was not the kind of thing she would have done, that the Evil Cow had got her claws into her, but short of holding a seance I am never going to know for sure. And that's upsetting, to say the least.
I've not been wanting to talk about it but I think I ought to. And yet I don't want to keep rehashing it. It might stop the black thoughts from getting to me so much. I do try to catch myself and stop myself from going over and over it but it's hard. I just find it all so very upsetting. And yet, I worry that I am not as actively depressed as I was when DC and I split up. Have I just got so hardened that I am now incapable of being depressed or upset anymore? It took me a long time to climb out of that depression. I don't want to be that depressed ever again but I worry that I am numb, that I have lost the ability to feel. Or is it just that I am still in limbo and when I get the go ahead or the knock back it's all going to hit me like a ton of bricks? THAT'S worrying.
I've not just been cheated (so far) of my inheritance, I've been cheated of the last year of my mother's life. My memories of my mother are forever tainted by thoughts wondering if she really didn't like me, if she really did mean to cut me out of the will, of wondering what she really thought of me. Others (family members and the like) have said to me that this was not the kind of thing she would have done, that the Evil Cow had got her claws into her, but short of holding a seance I am never going to know for sure. And that's upsetting, to say the least.
I've not been wanting to talk about it but I think I ought to. And yet I don't want to keep rehashing it. It might stop the black thoughts from getting to me so much. I do try to catch myself and stop myself from going over and over it but it's hard. I just find it all so very upsetting. And yet, I worry that I am not as actively depressed as I was when DC and I split up. Have I just got so hardened that I am now incapable of being depressed or upset anymore? It took me a long time to climb out of that depression. I don't want to be that depressed ever again but I worry that I am numb, that I have lost the ability to feel. Or is it just that I am still in limbo and when I get the go ahead or the knock back it's all going to hit me like a ton of bricks? THAT'S worrying.