rhionnach: (Vulcan on the Bridge)
[personal profile] rhionnach
A few days ago I accidentally got into a bit of an exchange of views online. Nothing new about that, say most people, but I guess certain things said in the exchange have been preying on my mind. That, and the fact that I will be going to an event where I might happen to encounter my ex. Not that he will say anything to me as he has decided to treat my presence as if I am invisible. No, his tactic, if any, is to say things to others and let them fight his battles.

I guess that is why I got into the online exchange as the person I was arguing with was very much on his side and unwilling to listen to mine. The person I was disagreeing with finished off by saying “I find your attitude to be dismissive of not just the ex’s mental health at the time of the split but of mental health in general".

I simply replied by saying that this showed they know nothing about me and nothing about the truth of the situation. But it stirred up old demons, old feelings of guilt. Did I really misinterpret the situation at the time? Was the reason my ex behaved the way he did due to a fragile state of mind? Am I actually a terrible person who rode roughshod over him and who should have known better, given that I used to work in psychiatric social work?

Or should I have allowed him to continue doing things behind my back, running up huge phone bills, spending money on stuff even although I had asked him to be careful with the limited finances we had? Should I have understood that my giving him a hard time for deciding he was polyamourous instead of just accepting it was upsetting to him? Was my perception that he was faking his mental (and physical) symptoms wrong?

This person I argued with knows nothing of the terrible struggles I had before and after the split. They know nothing of the fact I have had counselling over the circumstances I have found myself in. In addition to the split with the ex I then had to deal with family deaths and a “carer” persuading my mother to rewrite her will, cutting me out entirely as if I never existed? (Forgive me if I sound bitter but when his parents died he ended up with the inheritance due to him without anyone trying to take it off him.)

I do question myself on a regular basis as to whether or not I could have or should have handled it all differently. I’ve since discovered the subject of narcissistic abuse which has far too many similarities to his behaviour. But then again, I also ask myself am I actually the narcissist looking for redemption? After all, he accused me of abusing him. And I do question myself over that as well.
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