Sep. 19th, 2014

rhionnach: (Vulcan on the Bridge)
This is something I've been having problems with admitting for many years now. I think everyone at some point has heard me complain about the the amount of stuff lying around in boxes etc that DC left behind and how it's really getting in my way.

Well, time to come clean (as it were).

It's been getting me down for years. I had just begun to get the flat in some sort of order when the van load (and I mean a BIG van) of stuff was brought up from down south. I had offered to go get it for him but I really didn't anticipate just how much there was. I also had expected that he would sort it out once he got it, having heard him go on for years about how he missed his stuff and how he was so concerned about it. I didn't expect him to simply leave it all piled up around the flat with useful things like my papasan chair being shoved into a cupboard and boxes piled up outside. As far as I am aware he never looked into any of it and seemed happy just to have it sitting there. I had to work around it and as I was the only one earning money I had to work just to keep us going. I had rather hoped he would do housework but, apart from cooking a few meals every now and then, he didn't. He did however lecture me on what I ought to be doing but with everything that was going on I found myself exhausted mentally and physically and unable to deal with it.

And he would break things. Like the washing machine, for example. Or the three chairs he managed to demolish because he is a lazy fat bucket of lard. The washing machine broke because it was needing a new motor and I was going to get that seen to but it stopped mid-cycle and instead of waiting for me to come home to fix it he broke open the door to get the stuff out! So it was trips to the laundrette from then on. That was my job, along with everything else of course.

Yes, it was an abusive relationship, not necessarily violent, but emotionally and financially abusive.

Then of course there was the whole circus of his leaving. I had only just begun to recover from that when my father died and the whole scenario with my mother kicked off. Ironically, that very Xmas when my father died had been the time I had decided I was going to get stuck into the stuff and get it sorted. So it didn't happen. And all the time I was going up and down to Saltcoats I never had time to sort my own place out.

It's only lately that I've felt able to begin to get stuck into it. I've made some inroads but it's exhausting and upsetting and I keep raging at myself for allowing the place to get into such a state. And I'm ashamed and I feel guilty. If I could just get on top of it I could make the flat my own place (as it should be) but it's soul destroying and very tough at times.

People hear me talk about the stuff and say things like "Oh just bin it!" or "Take it to the dump". But they don't realise, for example, that in trying to move a box of books it ripped and all the stuff fell out. Or that I might decided to see what's in a box only to find it contains medical-related rubbish such as tongue depressors or tourniquet bands! Or even, on two occasions, medical records!!! And initially I felt that some day I would work out how to get his stuff back to him as he had made such a song and dance about getting it in the first place. But clearly, as he has not made contact in over 5 years, it's all so much hot air. I know he has at least 2 rooms of similar stuff lying about in what was his parents house. He's a hoarder, he doesn't actually look into what he's keeping , he just needs to know it's there. Well, I don't need it in my place anymore!

And now the time has come when I have to admit I need some help. I am fed up of it all and I just want to bin it. But, like I said, it was a big van full of stuff and there's only me. I need to get my place sorted out so I can do the repairs that are needed, so that I can get my central heating sorted out etc. I've not been able to get anyone in to do stuff like that because there's too much crap in the way.

If anyone can help me I would be grateful. Potia and her partner are coming over tomorrow to lend a hand. They have a car so stuff can be removed. It's going to be a great help to me. I don't know how much we can do but it's a start.

May 2017

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